Living Gay in My Conservative World

All this talk about Phil from Duck Dynasty has me up thinking tonight instead of sleeping. I'm gay, Christian, red neck, and a fan of the show. First I'll say that I believe in the freedom of speech. I believe that everyone has the right to their opinion and the right to express it; however, I think that opinions can be stated in respectful and tactful ways. I think that Phil, even in his red neckness, could have stated his opinion in a less demeaning and hurtful way. With that said, I move on to the purpose of this post and that is how to live gay my conservative world. I find myself often torn because really other than believing that homosexuality isn't a sin and being for marriage equality, all of my other values align with the conservative side of the spectrum. I am pro guns and pro life. I believe in Jesus and the bible. I believe in family and monogamy. I could go on but you get the point. A lot of people who support my views on homosexuality would condemn me for my views on every thing else and most conservatives would condemn me for being gay despite everything else I believe that aligns with their beliefs. I often find myself on the fence or in this weird gray area and it's lonely. I still eat at Chick-Fil-A even though the owner doesn't like my lifestyle. Why? I like their chicken, I like that they are closed on Sunday and that they play Jesus music in the restaurant. I will still watch Duck Dynasty. Why? It's funny and reminds me of my family. The main reason I will continue to support anti-gay Christian media and companies though is hope. Like Chick-Fil-A and Phil, I too once condemned and hated gays (myself) in ignorance. After 27 years, I finally figured it out. I'm not going to go into all the details but I had a change of mind and heart that I believe was from God and I have hope that the conservative Christian world will someday find that too. I also have hope that the other side will see the truth and see Christ for who he his and not how his followers portray him. I have hope that one day my black and white worlds will collide and I will no longer have to feel like I'm on the fence with one foot in each camp. Lastly, I would like to say to Phil, "be nice" and to the HRC (Human Rights Campaign), "calm down" and to both sides, "please learn to understand and respect one another." And that's what it all boils down to, respect.

We Do Too

While walking out of the Wal-Mart tonight hand-in-hand with my fiancée, we ran into a little boy who goes to the school that I used to work at and my fiancée still does. He happens to be in same classroom as she is this year. This little boy who is about seven years old asked my fiancée if I was her husband. In attempt to not step on anyone’s toes, she told him that was something he should probably ask his mom who was standing right there.  This is what she said, “I don’t have to answer that. We go to church and believe in God.” We did not respond other than to say goodbye to the little boy and walked away. All I wanted to say was, “Really? We do too.” What does that have to do with his question? Belief in God and going to church has nothing to do with whether I am someone’s fiancée or husband or wife. That little boy would have been fine with any answer we had given him and probably not have given it a second thought.

I’m not going to lie, I was hurt. I am a Christian and have been for 18 years. I have gone to church my entire life. I went to Bible College and have a degree in Christian Ministries. More importantly, I am a good person and I help others every single day. I do my best to follow Christ’s example. I love my fiancée and I do everything I can to make sure that we obey Christ’s teachings and seek his guidance in all the decisions that we make. We pray together and do a devotional daily.

Since I came out, it seems that many Christians (I use the term loosely) no longer see that. They don’t see who I am. They have no idea the relationship I have with God. Now because I walk hand-in-hand with a woman none of that matters. It is now assumed that I am a godless heathen with no morals to speak of. It hurts to be judged on just one thing about you.  It is even worse, when that one thing is judged so harshly and often without understanding. All I can say now is that I am so thankful that I know the love of Christ because I know him and I don’t have to rely on his other followers to feel it. I am glad that I knew him first, otherwise, this hurt that I feel now would be much harder to bear. I also hurt for my LGBTQ brothers and sisters out there who have only had the opportunity to know Christ by his followers.

They Will Know We Are Christians By Our...Hate

The other night I was out having dinner with my little brother and my fiancée. (We are all gay and all Christian and actually at this point I don’t even want to identify as a Christian - so I will say for clarification - believers and followers of Christ.) Toward the end of dinner we were scrolling through Facebook and I read a post stating that the Girl Scouts accept trans girls. I made a comment about how I wished the Boy Scouts were more accepting and is made me sad that they were haters. As we were walking out, my fiancée overheard a man at the table behind us say, “It’s because we are Christians and we HATE you,” which was somehow in reference to my Boy Scouts comment. She did not tell us what she had heard until we were already outside and that was probably a good thing because both my brother and I were livid. The ignorance of that statement is beyond words. Christian literally means Christ-like and Christ never hated anyone, not even his enemies. He didn’t hate his fellow Jews or the Romans who nailed him to the cross. He didn’t hate the “sinners” that he spent every waking moment with…the thieves, sluts, liars, prostitutes, tax collectors, betrayers. Nowhere in the record of Christ’s 33 years does it ever mention Christ having anything but love and compassion for every single person he came into contact with.

I am so proud of my little brother. We were too far away and would have been late for the movie but he said that if that were not the case he would have gone back and paid for the man’s bill because “we are Christians and we LOVE you.” And that is what it means to be a Christian. To be Christ-like. To love those who hate you. I don’t care where you stand on the issue of homosexuality. That is not the point. Christians everywhere are missing the point. Christ said, “A new command a give you, love one another, as I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34) That’s it. That’s what it means to be Christ-like. What it should mean to be a Christian.  

Let the Secret Out

This is a post I wrote awhile ago around the time I first came out on a different blog. Needed to remind myself that I was right to let my "secret" out and felt it needed a repost.

I was watching Glee the other day and I feel that this scene really captured the way I feel and to some extent captures the essence of the response I have received. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGASGDFUVEs

Now thankfully no one has told me to leave and never come back. In fact, what I have heard from those I have told is that they still love me and I am very grateful for that. However, like that last part of the clip, it feels like those I care about would have preferred I kept it a secret. Those that I have told have known that this is something I have struggled with and all but one person basically told me that they have always known and had a feeling that that's what I was going to tell them. One even said, "Duh. You had a neon sign over your head proclaiming it." From a few conversations I've had now though, it seems that my dear Christian friends and family would have rather me continue struggling in misery, hating myself daily for not being able to deny my "sinful" nature instead of accepting myself and embracing who I am so that for the first time in my life I am happy. (Tears well up in my eyes as I say this now because, I kid you not, I have never felt true happiness before the moment I accepted myself completely.)

I don't know if anyone who has not experienced it can know how keeping a secret like that can eat you up inside. Like Santana said in the clip, its a battle inside yourself and if you are a conservative Christian I feel that battle is so much bigger. For me personally, keeping that secret has scarred me in many ways but I'll just name them for now. Self-loathing, bearing a huge burden of guilt and shame, living in a constant state of depression, almost non-existent self-esteem, drive toward perfectionism, OCD, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation, and there's more but you get the idea. That's how I lived everyday of my life up until a few months ago. I had been doing some intensive therapy and I realized that this "choice" this "sin" was not going to go away. I had finally healed from a lot of other things but the butch lesbian inside of me wasn't going anywhere. It was then that I knew I had to make the choice to embrace her because at this point the only other option was death. I wasn't going to live in my self-loathing misery for one more day.

So to Christian friends and family, this is why I will not keep it a secret. This is why I will no longer struggle and suffer in misery. God doesn't make mistakes and Jesus accepts us just how we are. If I'm sinning, then God and I will have that conversation when I get to heaven. I may get there and have the most tarnished and unadorned crown in the building but at least I'll have gotten there when God decided it was my time and not when I took my own life because I hated myself so much.

And if there is anyone out there reading this who is like me, don't give up hope and if you do nothing else, accept yourself because Jesus does.

Why I Identify As Butch

A blogger who inspires me, Butch Jaxon (ButchonTap) recently posed the question “How Butch Are You?” http://butchontap.com/2013/01/11/how-butch-are-you/ She came up with 3 good points for how to know which are 1)How you see yourself 2)How others see you 3)But, who cares?

In the end it really only matters how you see yourself which is where I am going with this. I haven’t been out for very long and I have come to realize that for me even more important than identifying as a lesbian was identifying as a butch lesbian. I have been having somewhat of an identity crisis of which I feel  I’m finally at the tail end. For me it has been really important to define what butch means to me. (Keep in mind this is for me personally.) So without further ado…Why I identify as butch.

First, as a Butch of All Trades, I feel that I am a very eclectic person. The butch in me shows up in different facets of my personality which I think is a bit of the reason why it’s been hard to define. 

     Dapperness

Once I came out and finally felt comfortable in my own skin I really started having this desire to be dapper. Which I guess I always had it because I realize now I projected it onto my ex-husband, dressing him how I really wanted to but didn’t feel like I could. I love ties. Regular ties, bow ties, ties with intricate knots. Vests, suspenders, wingtips, cufflinks, 40’s style hats and pinstripes…love them. Some day when I can afford it, I will have a suit made by Saint Harridan http://www.saintharridan.com/. To me, being dapper is butch. 

Ruggedness (Country)

This could be seen as the opposite of dapper but it’s totally possible to be both. I am country at heart and to me these things are country and butch. 1) Working hard. I know you can work hard at a lot of things but I mean the being outside in 115 degree weather, digging irrigation trenches, putting up fences, plowing fields kind of working hard. 2) Trucks. That is, liking trucks, fixing trucks, and 4-wheeling in trucks. 3) Hunting, Fishing, Camping. There’s something about being out in the wilderness that really seems to bring out the butch. In addition, gutting and skinning animals, playing with fire and whittling.  Along with those things… 4) Guns, knives, and really weapons of any sort. 5) Flannel, thermal, and big boots. Butch lumberjack without an awesome beard. 6) Tools. Knowing what more than your basic tools are and how to use them. 7) Coors Light. That’s all. For me, ruggedness is butch. 

The Other Stuff

Some other things that I feel are butch. 1) Smoking pipe tobacco and cigars. 2) Epic war movies. 3) Demonstrating gentlemanly behavior like opening doors and pulling out chairs. 4) Death metal. 5) Leather working. 6) Wood working. 7) My LazyBoy. 8) Being a romancer. 

Butch Femininity

With all the masculine butch stuff aside, butch femininity. For me (and my lady) this is the most important ingredient. Without the butch femininity I’d just be a man. 1) Feminine intuition. Because of this I better know what’s going on with my lady. I see what she wants, know how to meet her needs, and can quickly tell when something is off or wrong. 2) My lady heart. All rough and tough on the outside but inside is a tender feminine heart with a great capacity to love in a way that only a woman can.  3) Sensitivity. 4) In a lot of ways I still think and feel like a woman so really being butch is the best of both worlds combined.

So there it is as best as I can describe at this juncture.